I beat myself up. A lot.
I want to be better at things. Like life. I want to be a better father, partner, writer, lawyer, human being. I want to stay in the present more, be more conscious, make better choices, let go of jealousy, envy, judgment, side-taking. Walk my talk more often, and manifest my perfect life, here and now, not someday.
I want to be more efficient, more effective, and more prosperous. I want to give more, to be less selfish, and to be able to do so while still standing my ground and holding my space.
I guess what I am saying is that I want to figure things out. I want to live as an example. And I am conscious of the fact that by having and expressing all these wants, I am perhaps preventing these things from naturally and easily coming my way.
You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. That’s what Camus said.
Maybe we have the wrong idea of perfection. Maybe the world — in all its perceived imperfection — is exactly as it should be. Maybe then, the same goes for me.
What does this mean, then? Was Camus saying to us, why don’t you just give up? The world is a fucked up place and you mirror the world and it mirrors you and there is nothing that can be done. You will both go on being fucked up so you might as well just settle in and stop thinking so much. Is that the take-away?
Well, I suppose it could be. It would certainly take a lot of pressure off. And I probably wouldn’t get so mad watching clips of Fox News that way. But I suspect that was not his intended point.
It occurs to me that a river is — often — a good metaphor. Humans spent a lot of time, money, and brain power over the previous century trying to understand rivers and to apply that knowledge to re-engineering them, in order to harness their energy and resources. What resulted has been a lot of trouble, much of it in the form of floods, dead species of plants and animals, and poisoned water. We are now having to spend ten times as much trying to undo what our brilliant minds once thought up.
It is helpful to have tools. It is helpful to study what we know of philosophy, science, world religions, mythology, and the origins of the universe, for example. When looking for a mate, it is helpful to know what kind of person suits you. When selling a book, one needs a marketing plan. When planning a trip, some familiarity in the culture and language are helpful. But, taking the last example, a too-carefully-planned adventure is no adventure at all. As a teacher once told me, standing on the banks of the river and considering its flow is one thing, but it is not at all the same thing as jumping in.
When you are in the river, you take things as they come. And it is better to be relaxed and to pay attention to where you are than to ponder why you are there.
Namaste,
TQ
